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June 12 Field Reporters ROCK!
He just might be the best damn field reporter EVER! Local roving news reporters are soon going to replace comedians! In case you missed it, here's a clip of a totally hot news reporter GOING OFF after something flies into his mouth. Wha-Th-Fuh flew into this guyz mouth, because he acts like he's just tasted DEATH. I mean, a bug in the mouth??? Come on, who hasn't??? But, I've never given or seen THAT kind of reaction. "I'm dying in this fucking country ass fucked up town!" He should write for the movies!!! May 27 U asked... I answered...Have you ever lived in a trailer? What did you last color with a crayon? April 14 The Gay Flight AttendantTHE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.” ”Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.” To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you… Tray-up, Bitch.”
November 16 Wha-Th-Fuh??? Santa is a Misogynist???CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!!! In Sydney, Australia anyway... In Sydney, Santa Claus was told that he isn't allowed to use the phrase "HO HO HO" anymore. Recruitment firms have told Santa to say "HA HA HA" insteads, because "HO HO HO" is offensive to women. *as she scratches her head* ???QUE??? One recruitment firm said that they didn't "ban" the phrase and that it's up to Santa himself. Eff that! I mean it's not like Santey Claus is ringing his bell while saying "CUNT CUNT CUNT" He is saying HO, HO, HO and unless you ARE one then I don't see why ANYONE should take offense... Most kids don't know what the hell "HO" means, unless of course their mom or dad IS one, then they should be used to hearing it. LMFAO Wait...Santey works for a temp agency? I'm confused. I thought he was self-employed??? HO HO HO! ~Amber September 05 Friends of MexicansWE HAVE MOSTLY GOOD POINTS..... FRIENDS: Never ask for food. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Are the reason you have food. FRIENDS: Will say "hello." MEXICAN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad. FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Cry with you. FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together and then take a plate to go. FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours. FRIENDS: Know a few things about you. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you. FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" FRIENDS: Are for a while. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Are for life. FRIENDS: Pretend it is OK when you are being a pest. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Tell you, "Hay, como chingas !!!! FRIENDS: Will ignore this. MEXICAN FRIENDS: Will forward this To other Mexicans January 22 We Need A Little Laugh, or at least I DO!Now this is HI-Larious but in a way it is sad as well because I can't help but think, "Holy $#*&, this could probably be an actual conversation w/ our fearless leader!" I'm not even gonna go there, just enjoy:
Click Here!
October 30 The Darwin Awards... Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies The dec eption wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you m oney, is a crime committed?) 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove b ack to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***** 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much mo re than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.-- June 07 Hail to our Great Leader...Being an interminable student of the English language, even I can appreciate the droll of irony here… Keep Up The Good Work Chief!
~Amber
" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe. "
- George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy. " - George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - George W. Bush "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. " - George W. Bush "For NASA, space is still a high priority. " - George W. Bush " Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." - George W. Bush " It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. " - George W. Bush " It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." - George W. Bush April 24 Thinking in 3's...
April 20 Zen Sarcasm...1.) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. 2.) The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire. 3.) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4.) Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 5.) Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. 6.) Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 7.) If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 8.) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 9.) If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 10.) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 11.) If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 12.) If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 13.) Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield. 14.) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 15.) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 16.) A closed mouth gathers no foot. 17.) Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 18.) There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 19.) Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 21.) Never miss a good chance to shut up. 22.) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night February 21 For Kicks...
December 14 Why not, right?
Place an X by all the things you've done, or remove the x from the ones you have not, and send it to all of your friends. A bit of fun. Don't forget to change the name in the subject line to your own. *NOW REMEMBER - This is for your entire life...
(X) Smoked a cigarette (X) Crashed a friend's car ( ) Stolen a car (X) Been in love (X) Been dumped (X) Shoplifted ( ) Been fired (X) Been in a fist fight (X) Snuck out of your parent's house {DeR} (X) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (X) Been arrested (X) Gone on a blind date (X) Lied to a friend (X) Skipped school (X) Seen someone die ( ) Been to Canada (X) Been to Mexico (X) Been on a plane (X) Purposesly set a part of yourself on fire {Wha-Th-Fuh} (X) Eaten sushi (X) Been skiing or snow boarding (X) Met someone from the internet (X) Been at a concert (X) Taken painkillers (X) Love someone or miss someone right now (X) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by (X) Made a snow angel ( ) Had a tea party ( ) Flown a kite (X) Built a sand castle (X) Gone puddle jumping (X) Played dress up (X) Jumped into a pile of leaves (X) Gone sledding (X) Cheated while playing a game {As she turns BEET RED} (X) Been lonely (X) Fallen asleep at work/school (X) Used a fake ID (X) Watched the sun set (X) Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend (X) Slept beneath the stars at the beach (X) Been tickled {Oh Geez}
(X) Been robbed (X) Been misunderstood (X) Petted a reindeer/goat/kangaroo (X) Won a contest ( ) Watch(ed) Porn ( ) Played a Ouija board (X) Run a red light/stop sign ( ) Been suspended from school (X) Been in a car crash {DUH...lol} (X) Been slapped (X) Slapped some one ( ) Had Braces {Needed them though} (X) Felt like an outcast/third person ( ) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night {Shared one though} (X) Had déjà vu (X) Been toilet papering {And egging, it's a Renoid thing ( ) Danced in the moonlight ( ) Liked the way you looked (X) Won a trophy (X Experience love at first sight, reciprocal of course {Perhaps it was lust, not love} (X Witnessed a crime (X) Questioned your heart (X) Been obsessed with post-it notes {LOL Office Supply Whore} ( ) Squished mud through your bare feet (X) Been lost (X) Been on the opposite side of the country (X) Swam in the ocean (X) Felt like dying (X) Cried yourself to sleep (X) Played cops and robbers (X) Recently colored with crayons {I love to color, who doesn't?} (X) Sang karaoke {Yello Submarine w/ my fellow SPCS'ers - Jerks!} (X) Paid for a meal with only coins {Ha Ha Ha, as she throws her head back and laughs!} (X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't (X) Made prank phone calls {heh heh evil grin} (X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue {And in bubbles, remember Tiana?} (X) Danced in the rain (X) Written a letter to Santa Claus {In grade-school once} (X) Been kissed under the mistletoe ( ) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about (X) Watched the sun set with someone you care about (X) Blown bubbles {Still do!} (X) Made a bonfire on the beach ( ) Crashed a party (X) Gone roller-skating {Viva Skate Land, Pico Rivera} (X) Had a wish come true
Making The Band 4 - Wucka, Wucka... |
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